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Jumpering for Joy

April 27, 2017

Sometimes I think I'm more lizard than human- I'm always cold and can go for ages without blinking. My natural habitat is the inside of a microwave. I need hot rocks or big jumpers because if I cool down I just stop moving. Unfortunately I live in London and so the nearest I get to 'Hot Rocks' is a flame grill restaurant in North Cheam. And because I'm not a Sainsbury's Basic lasagne (I'm a lizard remember, not a horse) I can't even hang out in the microwave. 

 

Big jumpers it is, then.

 

 

The whole 'Put A Jumper On If You're Nippy' advice can smack of the stingy parent who won't turn on the heating (and I should know about this. My parents and I have radically different internal thermostats which wasn't fun when I was growing up. More than once I sat, in silent protest, at the kitchen table having supper in a duffel coat and hat. God, they were tolerant, my Ma n' Pa). 

 

But this is a bit different, I promise.

 

This is jumper as 'statement'. As 'considered addition' rather than 'shivering afterthought'. As 'glamour'. As 'KitKat'...... as in the chunkier the better. Go on, get involved with a hunk of chunk. And maybe even buy a jumper. Waaaaay.

 

Big is beautiful here. We're trying to wear these instead of coats guys, so they can't be fine-gauge angel-breath, translucent flimsy nonsenses. I want the stuff that looks like it's been knitted with chair-legs, a knit that weighs more than a medium-sized terrier (but please God not with the same whiff). Jumpers, particularity vintage or authentic versions, fisherman's or Fair Isle's etc can mean people smell you before they see you. And not in a waft-of-Chanel way either. You have been warned. Also if you get caught in the rain, not only will that smell be quite extraordinary, you can also forget about it weighing the same as a dog. You'll become Atlas with the weight of the WHOLE WORLD on your shoulders. So pack a brolly, yeah?

 

But otherwise this is an inherently practical wagon on which to band.

 

Readily available, tick

Looks good, tick

Keeps you toasty, mega tick

 

It's a jumper for goodness' sake, not crotch-less chaps. How much of a hard sell does it need? 

 

So, to recap, buy a large one and wear it, possibly instead of a coat. 

 

 

 

Find one that is epic, though. Mine is from Zara this winter and is apparently now going for squillions on eBay, which is hilarious. But, at the risk of sounding slightly smug, I can kind of see why, because it's got lots going for it. It's so heavy I have to make sure I've eaten my Weetabix before attempting to wear it. This makes it, you've guessed it, SO WARM. I didn't even need a coat in deepest darkest December (which is a good thing because I can't actually fit one over it, only slight minus points). The rich embroidery means it's versatile colour-wise, and lends it a luxurious feel which makes it as appropriate for the office, or a semi-s/wanky event as it does for duvet-&-Domino's days. (The stitching means errant tomato sauce is hidden admirably).

 

Better get on board folks, this is it until mid-August. And whether that makes you want to jumper for joy or jumper off a building, make it a chunky knit.

 

 

 

 

 

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